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le ciel
(Part 8)
by ray

It was June again; the gentle breeze carried not only the warmth of late spring, but the delightful scent of flowers blooming, of life and rebirth. Gackt stood alone amongst the masses, the only one who knew why they were really here. The man droned on, speaking in what could have been a foreign language for all Gackt cared. His legs were tired from standing, and his only wish at the moment was to collapse into the soft grass underfoot, curl into the thick green carpet and forget it all, and recede into the euphoria of innocence. But this time as he looked up, his eyes were brimmed with tears that obscured the scene in front of him into a blur of green and blue, that tumbled silently down his cheeks and rolled under his chin. It was wrong. He looked around at the people gathered to pay their last respects. They were all strangers, men and women with distorted faces, all with their eyes fixed on Gackt, lips curving almost imperceptibly into one single collective sneer. It was so wrong. The man beckoned Gackt forward, placed a hand on the boy's shoulder and turned him around to face the graves, to see them for the last time. But instead of three coffins side-by-side, there was only one. It was still open, the dead body perfectly visible. He gasped, tried to turn away from the sight, but the man held him in place, nails digging tightly into his shoulder, drawing blood even through Gackt's clothes. Instead of his family, the body that rested in the coffin now was that of a small boy, red hair falling gently to his cheeks, brown eyes still sparkling, as if his life had ended only a few moments before. The boy's familiar features suddenly changed, twisting into a look of terror, horrified as if his death had been slow and painful, ministered by a heartless monster. His dead eyes focused on Gackt. On the murderer. Only now, now was Tetsu able to see the truth. He screamed, frightened even in death by the sight of Gackt's face. He was smothered in his presence, terrified at the very sight of the other boy.

You killed me. You killed me too.
-----

Gackt bolted upright in the bed, his sweat-drenched body tangled in the rumpled sheets. "A dream," he whispered.

Although he knew it was only a nightmare, it wasn't enough to allow Gackt to return his head to the pillow and fall back asleep, it wasn't enough to keep away the vision of Tetsu, eyes clouded with fear, running for safety in the onslaught of the storm, it wasn't enough to keep the single tear from sliding down his cheek, blurring the moonlight into a silver haze.

"Tetsu..." he whispered, the word slipping between his lips. It sounded dull to his ears, as if he wasn't even allowed to hear the other boy's name anymore. Tucking his knees into his chest, he lowered his head back to the pillow and cried himself back to sleep.
-----

Okay... I need to find the area... Tetsu looked over his neatly drawn graph of the equations one more time. Which means I have to split the integral from -1 to 0, and 0 to 3. He punched the numbers into his calculator and hastily scribbled an equation onto the paper. Damnit... this comes out negative. Tetsu lowered his head to the desktop and closed his eyes for a moment. There were only 15 minutes left of the exam, and he hadn't even completed half of the test yet. He nervously bit at his lip, twisting the pencil in his fingers and begging for some divine intervention to help him with this test.

Think! He ordered himself, his eyes returning to the paper. He erased the equation, starting the problem from scratch. Numbers and formulas darted about in his head, none of which did him any good. He couldn't think of anything but Gackt.

He felt as if a piece of himself had been torn away, that he couldn't possibly complete the test -- or anything ever again -- without the help of the other boy. He finally realized what Gackt had come to mean to him, and now that he knew that the other boy felt the same way... Tetsu smiled, slowly bringing a hand to his lips as if a trace of the other boy would still be there, lingering, reminding Tetsu of the delicate caress they had shared.

But it's wrong.

Tetsu would already be in a considerable amount of trouble if anyone found out what had happened between them yesterday. And if he allowed it to go on... Tetsu had never heard of an angel defying the rules, but he was certain the punishment would be merciless. They were taught from the very beginning that humans were corrupt, and that an angel giving himself to one was like a whore, selling his body for pleasure. But Gackt was different. He wasn't like the rest of the humans that Tetsu had encountered. His soul was pure and his intentions were not to cause harm -- Tetsu knew that much at least.

Like brittle leaves in the fall wind, any prohibitions the angel had about staying away from the other boy were instantly swept away when he thought of Gackt. Images of Gackt flickered into the angel's mind: his soft grin, the tall slender body, those sparkling blue eye, anything Tetsu thought of reminded him how longed to be in Gackt's arms, how he wanted to hold him, touch him, to taste him again.

But if they find out.

Tetsu didn't even know what would become of him. And Gackt... would they harm him too?

"... I can't do this," he whispered, slamming the palm of his hand on the desk. The sound was thunderous in the absolute stillness of the room. A few students coughed, others fidgeted, those that knew Tetsu well sent the small angel worried glances. Ken poked Tetsu's knee in an attempt to capture his attention. Are you okay? He mouthed, eyes darting around the room to make sure the instructor hadn't seen.

Tetsu stared at the floor, almost in a trance as he studied the simplistic pattern of the carpeting, how the fibers wove together in a symmetry that was almost uncanny. In and out, up and down, the blue and gray thread blended into a color that was almost the shade of stormy waters, but not quite. It was so like his life right now -- truth woven with deception, right with wrong, love with fear -- that it fascinated him, drew his attention away from the room and the desk, from his test, from his worries. All he could do was stare at the ground.

"Five minutes." The instructor sat at his desk, poised on the edge of his chair the way a lion would crouch, shoulders around his ears eyeing the classroom as if they were a heard of wounded prey. One student caught his eye in particular, the boy who had once been the strongest and fastest, the most elusive, but now had fallen in the ranks until he could hardly hold his own. The instructor rose from his desk, strolling menacingly down the aisles of students dutifully completing the test. An almost sadistic smile flickered at the corners of his mouth. He loved it when they fell, and fell hard.

The lip clenched between Tetsu's lips began throbbing in pain. He opened his eyes again, fixing his gaze on the test paper. He scowled, suddenly spurred on by a wave of rage. The test slowly slid across the desk, following his fingers as he flexed his hand, the paper conforming to shape of his fist, loudly crinkling as it dug into the skin Tetsu's palm. Somehow the act of destruction made him feel a bit better. He toyed with the ball nestled in his hand

"Ogawa-san." The instructor immediately materialized at the boy's side, fighting back the smile that threatened to form as a result of the boy's rebellious act. "Is there anything wrong with my examination?"

Every pair of eyes in the room were fixed on Tetsu, now fully aware of the scene taking place in their midst. "No sensei." Tetsu finally managed to whisper.

"Then I'll have to give you a new one." He extracted a clean version of the test from a folder under his arm and held his hand out to collect the balled up paper clutched in Tetsu's fist. He bounced back to his desk at the front of the room making a point of throwing the crumpled paper in the trash can for the entire class to see. With a smile he looked at the clock one last time, "Time's up." He announced, collecting the tests passed up to the front desks in the room. He smiled again when he collected Tetsu's paper, marked only by two spots of moisture in the middle of the page.
-----

The scalding water beat relentlessly on his skin, but Gackt could no longer feel the pain. He dropped his head to his knees, chest heaving as he coughed out muffled sobs. "Baka," he whispered. "How could I have been so stupid?" he asked himself again and again. He clenched his fists, not wanting to admit the fact that Tetsu was gone.

Gackt had tried to ignore the feelings, had tried to convince himself that it wasn't the other boy that he longed for. He tried to forget the electric sparks that would run through his body at their accidental touch, the warmth that radiated from his cheeks when Tetsu's hand rested on his shoulder, the way that he felt when Tetsu was by his side, that he was almost complete, and that nothing mattered as long as Tetsu was there with him. For a time he had convinced himself that it was only the innocence that he loved about Tetsu, the untainted view he held of the world around him. But Gackt couldn't deny that he also loved the way Tetsu's smile danced across his face, how his brown eyes sparkled, how his hips gracefully swayed as he walked.

Gackt had attempted to hide his feelings, to bury them deep where they could never be found, but Tetsu had managed to break down even that barrier. Gackt couldn't help himself, had stared into Tetsu's beautifly pristine, almost angelic face and couldn't keep it a secret any longer.

He closed his eyes, unaware that the water had turned a light pink as it mixed with the blood flowing from his palms. The pain was nothing compared to what he felt inside. Now he had truly lost everything.
-----

"Tet-chan?" Hyde cautiously approached his best friend, lightly placing a hand on his shoulder. Tetsu's skin was cold and the other boy was shivering despite the warmth of the room. Hyde reached an arm around his friend's body, pulling him close to offer whatever comfort he could give.

Tetsu jumped, startled by Hyde's action. He whirled in his chair, just staring through Hyde for a moment as if he didn't even realize the other angel was standing at his side.

"Tetsu?" Hyde couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with his best friend. Tetsu's failed physics test last week had been a cause for concern, on top of his increased secrecy in all his actions, or the way he scurried off and left his friends without even a word, or how he had come back in tears last night and refused to say a word. It was an understatement to say that Hyde was worried about his friend. And today... today had been by far the most frightening event yet. Tetsu seemed so lost, so unlike himself that Hyde couldn't ignore the fear that there was something terribly wrong with his friend.

"Haido." Tetsu's gaze flickered up to Hyde's face then returned to the floor. He folded his hands in his lap and twisted his fingers around themselves.

"Tet-chan..." Hyde sat down next to his friend, his tiny body making almost no indent in the chair, "Is anything... wrong?"

A look of fear flashed briefly across Tetsu's face, but was gone so quickly that Hyde almost didn't see it. Almost. Tetsu looked up to the other angel, to Hyde, to his best friend. Could he really keep lying to everyone he loved?

"Haido-chan... what would you do if you knew that something was wrong, but you had to do it anyway." Tetsu shifted his weight, unconsciously shying away from Hyde's form. He ran his fingers absently through his red hair.

"Tetsu..." Hyde reached a hand up to his friend's face and smiled softly, "Tell me what's wrong."

"You never answered my question." Tetsu's eyes focused far away, the sigh escaping from his lips shuddering faintly, almost a half sob.

"You never answered _mine_." Hyde smiled warmly, wrapping an arm around his friend's shoulders. Tetsu looked down at the floor, disengaging himself from the embrace.

Hyde stared at his Tetsu in silence wishing that there were some way he could know what the other boy was thinking. There was something troubling Tetsu, something deep and painful that he wouldn't let the world discover, a poisonous venom slowing eating him away from the inside. Hyde just hoped he would be the one Tetsu would come to when he finally was able to tell. "Do what you think is right." Hyde finally answered.

"But what is _right_?" Tetsu still wouldn't meet Hyde's gaze.

"You already know Tet-chan." Hyde grabbed for one of Tetsu's hands and tightly squeezed the other angel's fingers, brushing locks of soft red hair out of his friend's eyes.

Tetsu smiled and squeezed back. "Thank you Haido." He hugged his friend before getting up from the chair and quickly walking towards the door.

"Just... Tetsu... promise me, if you get into trouble that you'll come to me." There was a time when Hyde wouldn't have had to remind the other boy that he was always there if Tetsu was in need, but now he wasn't so sure that his friend remembered, or even cared. Something had changed about Tetsu, although slowly, almost imperceptibly -- like the withering of a cut blossom -- but the difference was now enough for Hyde to notice.

"I promise" Tetsu smiled before heading out the door.

Hyde sank into his chair, suddenly feeling more worried than ever.
-----

"Tetsu?" Gackt stared in disbelief at the figure standing uncomfortably on his doorstep. He squinted harder against the light of the setting sun to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.

"Yeah." Tetsu looked down at the mat he stood on, not wanting to meet the other boy's gaze. For almost a day now Gackt had been the only thing on his mind; Tetsu had held conversations with the other boy in his mind in which he carefully explained his feelings to Gackt while the other boy nodded and sometimes even confessed that he shared the same sentiments. Only now did Tetsu realize how utterly ridiculous his fantasies had been, how difficult it was to even begin to speak, let alone reveal anything to Gackt. Tetsu stood motionless, eyes cast down at the other boy's feet as the angel begged his mouth to form words for how he felt.

Gackt was unable to meet the other boy's gaze; he looked away from Tetsu, staring at the patterns on the wooden floor. He had no idea what Tetsu wanted, if he was here as a friend or an enemy, but there was no doubt in his mind though that the other boy must be disgusted with him, Gackt himself was beginning to feel disgusted with his own actions. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed how the other boy shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other, as if this were the last place on earth he wanted to be.

"I guess I should apologize." Gackt started. "I don't know what happened yesterday... I just. Tetsu, I'm sorry. Hate me if you want. I deserve it." Gackt felt tears burning the corners of his eyes and begged for them to keep from falling for just a moment longer. He didn't want Tetsu's last memory of him to be of his weakness. "I'm sorry," he repeated, his hand reluctantly reaching for the door handle.

Tetsu stared at the other boy in disbelief -- if he didn't say anything now, this would be the end. "Ma... matte yo," he finally managed to mumble, "Suki da."
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