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Ass Wars
by Aoi Tsuki no Pinku
The Adventures of Bat-Yo-Boy.
By Aoi Tsuki no Pinkredi.
(and yes, if you poke his stomach he giggles).
The continuing saga.
Yoshiki: *races in, in a batsuit* nanananananaaa
batman!!! nanananananaaa batman! Batman!!! Batman!!!
Batman!!!!!
Toshiya: *shoved in from behind (by a very helpful
Sugizo) in a Robin costume* *grumble* Fuck Batman.
hide: That's my job! *cute mousey pout*
Audience: Awwwwwww.
hide: *grins*
Yoshiki: *zoooooooooooom!*
Toshiya: *glares as Yoshiki streaks past*
Yoshiki: *screeech* *backs up* *looks at Toshiya* To
the Bat Cave, Robin!
Toshiya: It's X Japan's Sekret Layer, and I'm Toshiya,
not Robin, damn it.
Yoshiki: *zoooms off to the Bat Cave*
Toshiya: *grrrs and follows*
Sugizo: *watches as they go by, an evil look spreading
on his face*
hide: *nudges Sugizo* Jack Daniels for your thoughts?
Sugizo: *looks at hide* Promise?
hide: *shrugs* Sure.
Sugizo: Okay.... does Yoshiki really think he's
Batman?
hide: *sweatdrop* Erm... no... *beams* He _is_ Batman!
Sugizo: *massive sweatdrop* Okay.
hide: *grins and winks*
Sugizo: Uhm.. ANYWAY... *twiddles fingers evilly* I
have a plan.
hide: Involving tequila?
Sugizo: no.
hide: sake?
Sugizo: *pout* no.
hide: Damn it. Beer?
Sugizo: No.
hide: Then I'm afraid I must decline. Good day,
gentleman. *walks into the broom closet*
Audience: *cheesy laughter*
Sugizo: *sighs* Well... *lightbulb* Yes. Beer is
involved.
hide: *races out, a pink mop on his head*
Sugizo: *grins* Now.. here's the plan..
....fadeout....
Back at X Ja--- er.. *mumbles* the "Bat Cave".
Toshiya: No FUCKING way am I wearing that retarded
cape.
Yoshiki: *whines* But I made it just for you! *holds
up a ratty red cape*
Toshiya: Uhm.. *takes the cape, takes a match, lights
the cape*
Yoshiki: WAAAAAAH!
Toshiya: Uhm.. an offering!!!
Yoshiki: To?
Toshiya: Uhm.. *sweatdrop* Uhm....
Yoshiki: *glares*
Toshiya: Yoshiki the God of Ass Shots?
Yoshiki: *glares* I'm batman.
Toshiya: Yeah.. okay... *Scratches head*
Pata: *looking bored in a butler costume* Your
medication, Yoshiki.
Yoshiki: *GLARES* Batman.
Pata: *rolls eyes* Okay, whatever. Bottoms up. *sets
the tray down on the table*
Yoshiki: *downs pills*
*CRASH!*
*something heavy rolls down the stairs and flops*
*It's Toshi! With huge hair!*
Toshiya: YEEEK!
Yoshiki: Oh no! Superman, are you allright?
Toshi: *mumbles something incoherant, a note taped to
his forehead*
Yoshiki: *grabs the note, it reads:
Dear "Batman",
I'm a better vocalist. Hahaha.
xoxo,
Baron von Beer the Pink.*
Yoshiki: *sniffs the paper* The game is afoot!
Toshiki: *frowns, thinking* I never heard Batman say
that...
Pata: It's not a Batman line, that's why. *rolls eyes*
Toshi: Ugh. *eyes are x's*
(hide: YAY! X!!)
Yoshiki: *races to the "batmobile"* Come Robin!
Toshiya: What? Without any foreplay??
Yoshiki: *blinks*
Toshiya: *blinks*
Yoshiki: Well, lets go! *points to the batmobile*
Toshiya: *looks disgusted* But... it's a volkswagon.
Yoshiki: But it's black!
Toshiya: But... it's a volkswagon.
Yoshiki: *grrrs* Coming, or am I conking you out??
Toshiya: *hmph* What an unromantic first date.
*little spiral thing w/a Yoshiki ass shot*
*At Lucifer's sekret lair*
hide: *playing the violin... badly*
Sugizo: Ohhh... *crying*
Hisashi: *raises an eyebrow*
Sugizo: He's just.. *sob* So bad when he's drunk!
hide: *stops* Hey. I've done my best work drunk.
*grabs another beer*
Jiro: *glowers* Do I _have_ to be the Blue Sea
Urchin?!
All: YES!
Jiro: *glare*
Hisashi: *smirk* It's either that or being Chichi: The
Dog Wonder.
Jiro: *GROWL*
Hisashi: *GROWL*
hide: *pinches Hisashi's ass*
Hisashi: *BLINK*
Jiro: *BLINK*
Sugizo: *snickers*
hide: heee heee hee. *goes back to the violin*
Sugizo: *winces* *stands* Now. Attention "Evil
SuperVillians Club", Chapter 4.34. *grins* Our evil
plan is at hand.
Hisashi: To have Jiro accessorize?
Jiro: To make Hisashi work?
hide: To get drunk?
All: NO!
Sugizo: *glares* To foil Batman's plans!
Jiro: *raises hand* And what were those again?
Sugizo: To triumph over evil, bla, bla, bla. You know
the routine.
Hisashi: *gets up, pats Sugizo's head*
Sugizo: Watch the hair. *growl*
Ryuichi: *bursts through the door, looking like
FrankenFurter*
Sugizo: *raises an eyebrow*
Ryuichi: *spreads arms, singing* I'm just a sweet
transvestite!--
Sugizo: *sweatdrop* Rocky is _Thursday_ nights, Ryu.
Ryuichi: *blinks* oh. *hastily leaves* *screaming
heard from down the hall* *thump*
Sugizo: *sweatdrop* Curse you, oh evil fic writers!
Audience: *laughing*
Sugizo: *sexy pout* That's not funny!
Audience: *laughing*
Sugizo: HEY! *bursts into tears*
hide: *consoles Sugizo*
Audience: *Awwwww*
Sugizo: *looks at hide*
hide: *shrugs* Work it, bay-bee.
Sugizo: *blinks* Uhm.. anyway. *Hastily re-does
make-up* Back to our eeeeevil plans.
Hisashi: Do I get to hack into anything?
Sugizo: *blinks*
Hisashi: *murmers* Just curious.
Jiro: *pokes him*
Hisashi: HEY! Don't do that!
Jiro: *pokepoke*
Hisashi: HEY!
Jiro: *pokepokepoke*
Hisashi: SUGIIIIIIIZO!!! Make him stop! Make him
stop!!!
hide: *flashes Jiro*
Jiro: eep. *scrambles to the other side of the room*
Hisashi: *stares*
hide: *winks*
Sugizo: yes. ANYWAY. I have gathered you all here --
hide: !Role call!
Jiro: *mutters* Do I have to?
hide: Chiiichi... *whistles*
Jiro: *mutters* The Blue Sea Urchin.
Hisashi: *curls one hand under his chin* The Ice
Queen. Heh.
Sugizo: *poses* Lucifer, the Long Legged Lunacy.
hide: *sailor moon pose* Baron von Beer, the Pink!
Sugizo: *eyebrow raised* Obsess much?
hide: *sailor moon pose* Beer. *pose* Vodka. *pose*
Sake! *pose* Oh baby!
Sugizo: Yes. @_@
Hisashi: *thup* *thup* *thup*
Jiro: NAAAANI?!?
Hisashi: *playing with his tights*
Jiro: *SWEAT*
hide: So yeah, yeah, when do I get drunk?
Sugizo: As soon as you defeat Yoshi--er, Batman.
hide: SCORE!
Sugizo: No.. *sweats* defeat. As in thwart. As is.
*evil cackle* Letting the darkside win!!! *whips out
his lightsaber and poses*
hide: *looks at Sugizo, looks at fic, looks at Sugizo*
Okay, that sounded WAY more perverted on paper than it
really is.
Hisashi: How about this one *to Sugi* What is thy
bidding, my master.
Sugizo: *licks lips* Yummy.
(Obey Me: *growl*)
hide: *does a cute little dance, singing Lemoned*
Jiro: Bored?
hide: Oh fuck yeah. *blinks* Cue music!
Sugizo: Oh, like THAT ever works.
hide: *grins as "Rocket Dive" starts playing* Yeees,
Sugi-sama?
Sugizo: Ehm... To the EEEEEVIL mobile!
hide: Correction: Evil ROCKET mobile.
Sugizo: *grins* Come on baby, blow my rocket.
hide: Not before another drink. *heh*
Sugizo: *looks hurt*
hide: *winks*
Jiro: *SWEAAAT*
Hisashi: *poke*
Jiro: HEY!
....etc....
....In the Evil Pink-Blue-Punk-Gothic Bitch-Rocket
Mobile....
Sugizo: Oh.... I am soooo sexy.
hide: For your shorts?
Sugizo: nice try, hide.
hide: *shrug* For being smashed, fuck yeah.
Hisashi: *pokes Jiro*
Jiro: OW!
Hisashi: *pokepoke*
Jiro: Hey!! HIII-DAY!!!
hide: *wince* *downs another "beverage"*
Yoshiki: *drives right past them in the "batmobile"*
Toshiya: *VERY cramped*
Sugizo: HEY! *pout* Y--Batman didn't even notice us in
all our evil villain-ness!
hide: *pounces Sugizo's lap and takes the steering
wheel* He will now!!
Yoshiki: *looks in rear view* HEY! That man is
speeding!! *turns car around, narrowly avoiding major
traffic accidents, and zoooooms past the Evil
Pink-Blue-Punk-Gothic Bitch-Rocket Mobile*
Toshiya: *meep*
Yoshiki: *cuts the Evil Pink-Blue-Punk-Gothic
Bitch-Rocket Mobile off*
hide: *SCRREEEEEEEEEECH!* *stops*
Sugizo: *meep*
hide: *grins* It's for effect, really.
Jiro: Do we have to go out in these costumes?!
All: YES!
hide: *whistles the Flipper themesong*
Yoshiki: *gets out of the "Batmobile" and walks to the
car*
hide: *leaps out of .. you get the idea... in neon
pink platform sneakers, black pants, a black adidas
jacket w/pink stripes, neon pink hair, neon pink
boa... and a black mask* MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! *pose!*
Yoshiki: *blink*
hide: You know... I'm your arch nemisis.
Yoshiki: *blink*
hide: *POSE!* Baron von Beer the Pink! *pose*
Yoshiki: AAAAUUUUGH!!
hide: *winks* And here are my eeeevil friends.
Sugizo: *leaves the ... yeah ... dressed to the nines
like a sexy gothic bitch* Lucifer the Long Legged
Lunacy! MWAHAHAHA! *evil smirk**pose* Give into the
dark side. *sexy pose*
Gossip: *enters* oh baby! *pinches Sugizo's ass*
Sugizo: *meep*
Gossip: *winks* I'll be your sidekick any time.
Jiro: *meep* and *I* have to go out there?!
Hisashi: Yes. *goes out.. dressed like.. well.. an Ice
Queen* The Ice Queen. *pose*
hide: *pinches Hisashi's ass*
Hisashi: *blink*
hide: *blows him a kiss*
Jiro: *leaves the car, dressed like a blue glitter sea
urchin* The Blue Sea Urchin! *pose*
***silence***
Jiro: *pout*
Gossip: *clap's... once* yay?
Yoshiki: *pause*.... ROBIN!!!! THE GAME'S AFOOT!!!
Toshiya: *mutters, exiting the "batmobile"*
Yoshiki: I am BATMAN!! *Sailor Moon pause* I will
right wrongs and triumph over evil!! And that means
you!
Gossip: *sweatdrop* Uhm, honey. That's my line.
Yoshiki: And who are you?
Gossip: *poses* I am Sailor Moon!! *Sailor Moon pose*
I will right wrongs and triumph over evil!! And that
means you! *blows Sugizo a kiss*
Sugizo: *hands on his hips*
hide: *grins* We'll see about that. heh heh heh.
*whips out his violin*
Hisashi: *looks at hide, looks at paper* Dirtier on
paper, strike two.
Yoshiki: .... zuh?
hide: *starts playing*
Sugizo: AUUGGH!!!!!!!! *whips out his violin and
starts playing it*
Hisashi: *smirk* Strike three. What's my prize?
Gossip: *pounces Hisashi*
Jiro: Oh.. look.. toy store... bye guys. *RUN*
Toshiya: *grabs Jiro* No fucking way.
Jiro: *glare* My band's bigger.
Toshiya: *looks at Jiro* My band has an extra member.
And knows how to use it.
Hisashi: *struggling away from Gossip* FOUR!
Gossip: You would be ADORABLE as Tuxedo Mask!! MMMM!!
Tuxedo-sama!!!! *purrrrrs*
Yoshiki: *looks down at Gossip* Batgirl, what are you
doing dressed like Sailor Moon?
Gossip: *eyes light up, jumps into Yoshiki's arms* I
get to be Bat Girl!?!??!!??!
Yoshiki: *blinks* you... ARE batgirl.
Gossip: YAY!!!! *bouncebouncebounce*
Toshiya: *hits head against wall*
hide: *throws violin on the ground* enough! It's time
you paid Batman! *trying not to laugh*
Sugizo: My violin!!!
hide: *pokes Sugizo* Lucifer, be a super-villain
already.
Sugizo: oh .. yeah.. I punish thee with SCREAMING
FANGIRLS!!!!! *holds a tape cassette up to Yoshiki's
ears*
Yoshiki: AUUUGH!!
Gossip: In the name of the moo-- erm.. I mean.
*giggles* I punish you with.. BLEACH!!!! *pounces
Sugizo menacingly*
.... And the showdown commences...
But where's Toshiya and Hisashi?
At Lucifer's sekret lair:
Toshiya: Mmffff!! *tied up*
Hisashi: *looks at fic* how kinky.
Toshiya: *glare* mfff.
Hisashi: Now, "Robin." *snickers* I understand you
like blue and black. *grins* But you do not yet know
the true mastery of blue and black. *holding up a LOT
of make-up brushes... POUNCE!*
Toshiya: MFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.....back to the show....
hide: LASHEW! LASHEW!! LASHEW-LASHEW-LASH!!! *singing
LOUDLY at Yoshiki*
Yoshiki: *crying* the English.. it's horrible!!!
Sugizo: *smirks, pulling Gackt out of his back pocket
and has HIM sing in English*
Yoshiki: *starts to cry*
Gossip: *GLARE* YOU MADE YOSH--Er, BATMAN SAMA CRY!!
DIEEEE!!!!!! *does a nifty Sailor Moon thing* Hakuei
Double Shock Attack!!! KYAAAA!!!
Hakuei: *appears and gives Sugizo a make-over*
Sugizo: NO!!!!!!!!!!!! *chases after Hakuei*
Hakuei: *hides behind a pissed Gossip*
Sugizo: Ehmmm... *does an awkward Sailor Moon pose*
Double Trouble.. SPARKLE ATTACK!
Gossip: NOOOO!!!!
Sparkle: *appears, assaults Gossip, and gives him a
make-over*
Kae: *appears, assaults Gossip, and gives him a
make-over*
Gossip: *looks like Morticia meeting a raver* *hissss*
hide: *pose* Triple Sake ShocK!
Sugizo: *blinks* that's not a manuever.
hide: no.. *whine* But I really want a drink!
Sugizo: *blinks*
Gossip: Well, hun, we can go drinking after this is
.... *lightbulb* all over...
hide and Sugizo: *don't like that lightbulb*
Gossip: *POSE!* Melty Love Beer Loss!!
hide: *eyes widen*
Gossip: *has a BIG bottle of Sopporo.... and slowly
pours it ALL out*
hide: *NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
POWERS... GETTING... WEAK... STRENGTH.. Fail..ing....
*collapses*
Yoshiki: *blinks* hide!!!! NOOO!!! *dashes to hide,
shaking him* Are you okay?
Gossip: *walks over to hide* Give up?
Sugizo: Well... ... Batman?
*no response*
Sugizo: Yo.. Yoshiki?
Yoshiki: yes?
Sugizo: thank GOD you're over that Batman trip.
Yoshiki: *blinks* What batman trip?
Gossip: you okay, hide?
hide: must... have... beer...
Gossip: bends down, handing hide a bottle of sake*
hide: SCORE!!!!! *leaps up, glugging the sake, and
runs off to a bar*
Sugizo: but... I..
Pata: *enters, bored, butler* Your pills, Batman.
Yoshiki: WHY do people keep calling me batman???
Obey Me: *enters, growling*
Yoshiki: *picks up pills*
Obey Me: *grabs them from him, taking them himself* I
was looking for those. *snatches the bottle from Pata
and walks off*
Gossip: *hits head* Never.. take.. Obey Me's... pills.
Sugizo: *sniff* I'm sexier.
hide: *very loudly, from far away* FFUUUUUUUCKKKK
YOOOOOUUUUUU OOOOOOBEEEYYYY MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Obey Me: LOOOOOVEEEE YOOOOUUUU TOOOOOOO
OOOOCHIIIIINNNNNCHIIIIIIIIN!
Gossip: *COUGHS loudly, trying not to laugh*
Ochinchin?
Sugizo: *nods to fic writer* Freak.
Gossip: I know. *sighs* Be glad you're not one of her
real characters. *Shudders*
Yoshiki: But... Where's Toshiya? We were going to go
shopping..
Hisashi: *marches in proudly* Right here! *grins*
Toshiya: *grumbles behind him on a leash (well, that's
what those bondage things he wears are FOR!), dressed
EXACTLY like Hisashi* Fuck you, Batman.
Gossip: *in a Batman suit* Anytime.
Toshiya: *looks at Gossip, looks at Yoshiki* Okay..
that's it. Porn star, next life. PORN STAR. You people
SCARE me.. *wrestles the leash away from Hisashi and
skulks off to go complain to Kyo* At least Kyo's
sane...
Gossip: *winks and flashes the victory sign*
Sugizo: *looks sexy and flashes the bird*
hide: *cues Rocket Dive*
Audience: *applause* The end... or is it?
* back to the Fanfic Archive *
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